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Jul. 1st, 2010 | 11:34 am

this moving thing is so complicated. especially when it was supposed to be our adventure.
a uhaul is almost 1500 dollars less than a pod, but requires all the money up front, where a pod only requires 500 dollars up front. the uhaul means i likely wont have to severely purge my stuff and that i actually arrive with stuff, which could be exactly the comfort my fragile psyche needs while grieving still 1000 miles from my support system. the pod wont be able to be delivered until august at the earliest, since the estate is still frozen and the death certificate will likely never be finished. a uhaul means i need at least one other person to make the trip, because i will have to drive my car...and i need to make the decision by tomorrow. i cant even think clearly about day to day activities....like i cant even remember showering is a priority, and now i need to make major logistical decisions. they say widows shouldnt make any major decisions for a year. i see truth in that....

and last night i had a dream about her. it was awful. i feel bad that my brain even produced that dream.

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(no subject)

Jun. 21st, 2010 | 11:45 am

i am going through the motions of life. empty. void.
i just want to wake up from this nightmare.
i want my life back.

i know i have given the universe net positive energy.
i didnt deserve this.
i deserve her.

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(no subject)

Jun. 16th, 2010 | 08:22 pm

so today is the first day her truck was gone.
her parents wanted it. and they were down a vehicle, so i said they could take it.
i wasnt ready to clean it out yet, but they could take it.
and if possible, i felt even more empty without it here.
i walked the dogs out front this morning and it was like a sucker punch.
all the sudden it was so permanent.
the lack of something so tangible made everything seem final.
before i had been going through the motions, putting away her laundry in the closet, letting piggles in like she would have, kissing the top of her urn like i would kiss her cheek...

needless to say, i cried on the way to work.

i also cried when my first patient today was last seen in october after he lost his wife of 50 years. at the visit today, he still wears his wedding ring and says he doesnt believe in second marriages. and he still talks about her like she is here. just with less tears than last time. i kept turning away from him to face the computer, hoping with everything in me i could hold it together until he left. that patient was followed by a man who lost his son to suicide last august. no, i couldnt catch a break....until that man brought his wife in for the first time and proceeded to talk about sex. and i played dr. phil. luckily, hbg gave me quite an armanentarium of dr phil.

the void inside me grows bigger by the day. like i said on facebook, i have been counting the small victories to try to get by, but today i feel defeated.

she is the love of my life. we still had so much more to do.

2,007 days together. now 22 days apart.

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(no subject)

Jun. 13th, 2010 | 05:41 pm

i just feel so empty.
like i have no purpose or meaning.

i just want my life with her back.

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preemptively written for tomorrow morning

Jun. 7th, 2010 | 10:24 pm

open letter to my love,

this time two weeks ago i was kissing you goodbye on my way to work. i told you i was so lucky to have you before kissing you softly while retucking you in bed. i quickly navigated down the spiral stairs, rushing out the door like so many other mornings. i am so glad that was what i told you that morning. i realized i was so lucky to have something so many people arent fortunate enough to ever experience. i found someone that made me a better person. i found my equal. i found someone that loved me for me, good and bad. i had someone to tell all my secrets to without fear of judgment or repercussion. i had inside jokes and common interests with the beautiful love of my life. i really meant it when i said i was lucky.

and that afternoon my life was changed forever. in the past two weeks, i have barely been able to wrap my brain around what has happened. i know now that two weeks ago i hardly understood what it meant to say you were my everything. painfully, now, without my compass, i lack direction and purpose and meaning. what is life like without the one that you love? what is life like without plans for our feety pajamas and endless adventures we were meant to share? i know you would have great dr phil words of wisdom for me right now. i know you would know exactly what to do to make me feel better. but instead i openly grieve on facebook/livejournal, because somehow posting this makes our love live on.

wendell was kind enough to offer me some words: "That there will always be traces in her in all you do, traces of her magic will follow you like a trail of brilliant light. And while something like that may sound eerie or overwhelming, it is truly magical. Like magic, it's a power that everyone wants, but only true believers can possess: love." i know without a doubt that is true.

i was so lucky to be loved by you. you shaped the person that i am and forever i will have your blueprint on my heart. together we created something bigger than ourselves and we were able to share that with so many others. it is that which will remain eternal. you took a little piece of me when you left, but i will keep a little of you here with me always.

forever your evangeline/pierre/princess cupcake face.

ps-i apologize for posting so many song lyrics.
(next time i want to post the way i feel about you i will be sure to use 03 bonnie and clyde or be without you or if it kills me, since you have pre-approved those songs....i know that set the fire to the third bar and boats & birds are likley too hippy for you :p )

pps- BOB STARKEY WAS AT YOUR FUNERAL!!!! i know you were spirit fingers/jazz hands about that!

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(no subject)

Jun. 4th, 2010 | 09:55 pm

i reread her lj today. all of the entries from the last 5.5 years. we even had a special filter to write to each other...
then i read back on facebook.

having texts and emails and lj is so bittersweet.

i am not sure how to grieve. public? on the internet? in private? all i want it to tell everyone every memory i have of her and us....which is an improvement considering the first few days i thought anyone else grieving or sharing her memories were just taking what little i had of her away from me.

i know this is choppy. i dont know how to be eloquent in a time like this.

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(no subject)

Jun. 1st, 2010 | 11:52 pm

i just hope she knows how much i love her...even just a fraction of how much i love her.
i worry that i could have done more to show her.

i just love her so much.

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i am addicted to design blogs.

Oct. 14th, 2009 | 09:11 am

seriously. if lindsey has the balls to enter her new house in apartment therapy's fall color contest, i really should enter mine. i mean hello high contrast modern. libby thinks paint palace looks like a magazine. that counts for something, right? lindsey has lovely baby blue paint on her walls. i have her baby blue walls and plus a black chandelier....and that is just in my closet. sigh. i wish i had her bravato.

in other signs of addiction to the site, i think i might also do the fall cure...it is an 8 week plan to declutter/reorganize/redecorate your life.

if only AT would change back to the more user friendly format...

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(no subject)

Aug. 10th, 2009 | 09:25 am
location: cc's

i am good at making messes.
if only cleaning them up were easy.

a year ago i never would have guessed this is where i would be.
so empty...but so close to the potential of being great....
look for me there.

/emo post.

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Jul. 30th, 2009 | 07:45 pm
location: paint palace

se habla espanol.

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